dear yourself;
hey you. how are you feeling? any better? is this weird? yes, most definitely- because this is like a letter or something to myself. not really, no. okay, here’s the thing: today for the whole day, i’ve been feeling miserable and antsy i dont know why. i just feel so pent up inside where i dont know what was wrong. and of course being at home, doesn’t even help one bit. and so, i took it out mostly on my mom- when she was really nice to me, i snapped at her, i talked back at her. i am such an ass for a daughter, i know- yet i still do it. deep within me, i feel so sorry towards my mom. she’s just being a mother and making a fuss about me- so what big deal? why do i have to be mad at her for something that wasn’t even her fault?
this is the thing about we humans, i guess- we get angry at people that we love because in the end, we know they’ll still love us anyway. so we take things for granted. i take things for granted.
i watched Eat, Pray, Love on tv just now. overall it was pretty boring- but there were some scenes that made me cried a little. it’s a story about a woman who went through a divorce, felt like she’s losing herself, decided to take a time off to travel around to find what she called it, as the ‘balance’. she stayed at Rome for four months and enjoyed life, went to India to learn how to meditate to find inner peace, and finally went to Indonesia to meet this wise old man to learn more about finding ‘balance’ within herself. “Peace”.
at one point while i was watching the movie, i felt like i want to do what Liz did too- i don’t know what’s my purpose anymore. sometimes, i feel so lost. sometimes, i feel so motivated that i might easily believed that i could be the Superwoman of this world. it varies. i vary- so often that sometimes i don’t know which to really hold on to, which to have my faith in. i guess in a way, i’m looking too far ahead and life is nothing like that.
from what i’ve read and learned so far, quite a lot and still learning- life is about living in the moment, not looking back, and keep on going forward. i believe in that. i try hard as hell to live in the moment, savor the little things that become part of me or i become part of the things in general. i don’t know if i really believed in that, or believing that i believe in it. i hope i make sense. cos you know, sometimes words can’t really be used to express the exact same way that you’re feeling.
you can look back from time to time to reminisce the good times you had or even bad times that forced you to mature and grow up and you became the current you. as sad as it is going to sound, every heartbreak you experience will end up taking away your innocence a little. because even though what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, it leaves a scar. you might learn to ignore it or forget about it- a scar is still a scar. it’s a permanent reminder that you’ve been hurt before. unless you go under the knife to remove it lol
ahh. i do not know the purpose of typing all of these, i dont even know what’s the point. but now, i actually feel better. i dont know when will i break down and i hope i dont, i dont know when i’ll explode, but- so far, i think i’m doing pretty good. consoling and motivating myself, taking pride of “I can do this” attitude.
because there’s so much more in this world, than my little disappointed heart.
so audrey. if anyone else can do it, why can’t you? what makes you an exception? don’t be the exception. be the outstanding one.
love yourself, and be happy.
